


i still got my fear

by ImSoSupernova



Category: SKAM (Spain)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Parenting, F/F, Insecurity, Mental Health Issues, Missing Scene, Relationship Discussions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2020-06-27 01:29:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19780444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImSoSupernova/pseuds/ImSoSupernova
Summary: Cris and Joana have a serious discussion about the events that lead up to the start of their relationship, and how they feel about them now.





	i still got my fear

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i wrote this fic awhile ago and never published it, so here it is now! this is sort of a discussion of cris's insecurities, and how joana just dropping eloy for her may have affected her. it's a conversation that i wish we could have seen in the show, tbh.
> 
> special shoutout to my friend [georgie](www.isakejiser.tumblr.com), who inspired me to write this fic! love you <3 <3 <3
> 
> i hope you enjoy!!

Something’s up. Joana can sense it the moment she steps out of the bathroom and into her room, drying her hair off with a towel. Cris is there waiting for her, sitting on her bed, legs crossed, staring at one of the drawings Joana’s made of her. She smiles when she sees her girlfriend fresh and clean out of the shower, but there’s something about her expression that seems oddly strained. 

“Hey,” she says.

“Hey,” Joana says. “What's up?”

“Hmm? Oh, nothing.” Cris reaches over to wrap an arm around her. “You smell good.”

“Well, I’d hope so.” Joana smiles at her. “Seeing as I just showered and all.”

Cris gives her a quick smile back. Then, she leans back against Joana’s chest and closes her eyes.

Joana watches her for a moment. This isn't like Cris; this passive, tired movement. Normally, in a situation like this she’d be all over Joana, giving her a kiss or joking about joining her in the shower next time. And it’s not the first time she’s been in a mood like this, either. There are times when it just feels like Cris shuts down a little, like her body is with Joana but her mind is elsewhere. It always comes back, but these moments worry Joana. “Really, though, is everything okay?” 

“I said I’m fine,” Cris mumbles. 

Joana shrugs. “Okay.” She rests her head against Cris’s shoulder, and they lay together for a moment.

“Actually, no,” Cris says, breaking the silence. “No, I’m sorry, but--no. Joana, I love you, and I don’t want you to doubt that for a moment, okay? But--I get scared sometimes, okay? I mean, you started flirting with me when you had a boyfriend. And you left your boyfriend for me after we had only known each other for a few weeks. And I know--I know you had  _ so much  _ going on, I understand that. But sometimes I get worried, you know? That maybe--I’m not what you originally expected when you first decided to date me. And maybe--I don’t know, maybe you’ll decide you don’t like me and you’re better off with someone else, like you decided with Eloy. You know?” Cris shifts uncomfortably. “So that--that’s what’s up, I guess.”

“Oh, Cris,” Joana murmurs urgently, moving over to her girlfriend to wrap her arms around her, pull her close to her chest, smooth her hair. “It’s never been that--never, never, I  _ promise  _ you. You see, Eloy and I--it was never  _ about  _ him, really. Sure, he was nice and cute, and he made me feel happy when he held me and told me that he cared about me. But I knew going into that relationship that I never actually liked him like that, even though I tried to convince myself otherwise. What it was  _ really  _ about--it was about me. I was trying to convince myself through Eloy and my relationship that a relationship was something I  _ could  _ have, something I  _ could  _ be worthy of. But then I met you. And I knew right away this was different.” Joana takes Cris’s face in her hands and looks deep into her eyes, staring back up at her and brimming. “I knew from the beginning exactly what I wanted from a relationship with you. And you know what it was?” She gestures around them. “It was this. Not even this.  _ This  _ is so much more than anything I could have wanted, imagined, hoped for.  _ You  _ are more than anything I could have even dreamed of just a few months ago.  _ You  _ are all I’ve ever wanted. I swear to you. Okay?”

Cris nods, and wraps her arms around Joana. They stay that way, holding each other as tight and as close as they can. It’s quiet for a moment, save for their soft breathing, and the rustle of the sheets as they shift together slightly on the bed. And then Cris murmurs into Joana’s shoulder, “All my life, ever since I was little, my mom--she never complimented me, not really.” 

Joana looks up to stare into Cris’s eyes again, to see all the dark and worry within them.

“Sure, I’d do some good things,” Cris continues, “but there was always some way I could improve, someone that was better that I should  _ really  _ be more like. Me by myself? I was never enough. And so...I guess somehow, along the way, that stuck with me. And I--I always find myself worried that everyone else will think that way too. That sure, they like me and I’m good enough for now. But there’s always someone better somewhere out there, and eventually, they’ll come along, and everyone will see how much better than me they are. And they’ll leave me. And so--I get so scared. About you, Amy, all the other girls. Scared that you’re gonna want to leave me too. 

She closes her eyes and rests her head against Joana’s shoulder again. Joana looks at her for a moment, taking time to feel and parse the emotions welling up inside of her. Rage at Cris’s mother for reducing her beautiful, vibrant daughter like this. Sadness, such sadness in companionship with her girlfriend’s sadness. And overall, love. The fiercest, warmest love she’s ever felt for another person before. “Listen, Cris,” she says.  _ “Fuck  _ your mom.” Cris giggles. “I’m sorry, but  _ fuck  _ her. And fuck anyone else who makes you feel this way.  _ You _ , Cristina Soto Peña,  _ you  _ are the most wonderful human being I’ve ever met, okay? You are smart, you are so fucking funny, and you are...the single most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. But most importantly, you’re  _ kind.  _ You care  _ so much _ . And that’s just...truly wonderful.  _ You’re _ truly wonderful. And--” she leans over to kiss Cris on the forehead. “I’m always here to remind you of that when you’re around.”

Cris grins at her. “Thank you,” she says quietly. She reaches up to tuck a strand of Joana’s hair behind her ear. “You know, you’re pretty amazing too, right?”

Joana smiles. “Sometimes,” she says.

Cris nods in understanding. Then, she leans over and kisses her again. “Fuck, I love you so fucking much, Joana. Never forget that, okay?”

Joana laughs, and leans over to kiss Cris on her forehead, her damp cheeks, her neck, her lips. “Fuck,” she says, laughing. “I love you so fucking much too.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> hmu on tumblr @ bijoanabianchi


End file.
